Young, Man U player, is not actually that young
June 27, 2011
Age is the big issue in football at the minute with every club hell-bent on recruiting foetuses, or so it seems. Chelsea’s manager demonstrates tactics using action figures, while Manchester United have pushed goalkeeper Edwin Van Der Sar aside, even though he is not eligible for a senior bus pass for another two years.
United have also brought in Ashley Young, but in a shocking development, we can reveal that Young is 25-years-old. Not old, but also hardly a teenager.
Many were intrigued as to how Alex Ferguson would react to this revelation. “I went mental,” said a tetchy, blotchy-faced man who may well have been the Manchester United manager.
Chelsea bring down their average age
June 27, 2011
Chelsea have defied all conventional wisdom and hired a manager who isn’t really old.
Andre Villas-Boas is so young, he didn’t even know that Ice Ice Baby was based around the bassline to Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. Questioned about this conspicuous gap in his knowledge, he said: “So what? I is a football manager. I ain’t gotta know pop music and ting, innit.”
Chelsea have attempted to make their new boss feel more at home by installing PS3s in every room at Stamford Bridge. Villas-Boas is reported to feel ‘totally psyched’ by the gesture.
He is also delighted that Frank Lampard will be able to run him home in the next few months until he’s old enough to start having driving lessons.
Man Utd bring down their average age
June 27, 2011
Manchester United have been looking for a goalkeeper since I was about ten. My exact age is not important, but rest assured, I am no longer ten.
Finally, this close-season, they have managed to get hold of one. David De Gea is just 20 years old – a third of the age of outgoing shotstopper, Edwin Van Der Sar, who has been playing football since the Spanish Armada was being harried by the mighty English fleet.
Asked how he felt about a younger man taking his job, Van Der Sar said: “Eh? Who? What did you say? Speak up. Why does everyone mumble all the time these days?”
John Terry hedges his bets like the spineless coward he is
June 3, 2011
Inbred adulterer with a face like a smack addict, John Terry, has said he would be happy with Mark Hughes as Chelsea manager. He then said he would also be happy with Guus Hiddink, because John Terry is a decision-avoiding numbnuts with faeces for brains.
Terry went on to say that he was sad to see Carlo Ancelotti leave.
If you gave Terry a choice between a solid gold car and a smack in the chops, he probably still wouldn’t have a preference. You’d have to make the decision for him. Unfortunately for him, I don’t have any solid gold cars at my disposal.
Capello clears the air
June 3, 2011
Apparently, air clearance was required with regard to Rio Ferdinand being given the boot as England captain. What was tainting the air and what was used for the clearance of this air is unclear, but the operation was successful, according to the BBC.
Capello did say: “We shook hands,” but I fail to see how this might affect air quality. A handshake creates a tiny amount of heat energy as a result of friction, but I doubt this would be sufficient to clear away anything – certainly not something so noticeable that it warranted the handshake in the first place.
